dilemma...

second term started already...

back to same old place for second time and the feeling is back again after 3 weeks of freedom during holiday.

3 weeks in KL I kept listening to All American Rejects, Simple Plan, Linkin Park and all kinds of rock bands music. But now, I am listening smooth jazz, Carpenters...all the slow, peaceful and more like lonely music.

never feel good at all since the beginning of term 1 and now, the feeling is getting worse and worse.

should I?? or shouldn't I??

Both sides also have the reasons to say yes. But all I can do just sacrifise the other one in order to let the other one happen.

Standing at one corner is my Mom. The person who supported me and do everything she could to make me able to study in Singapore. 

At the other corner is myself. The person who whatever happen to me, it will lead me to what I am in the future.

Wait a minute, there is another one standing at another corner, my aunt's family. The peoples that allowed me to stay in their house.

Feel helpless and guilty but have to hang on. 

Guilty when they cancel their holiday plan because I am around.

Guilty when I stay at home whole day and do my things but didnt want to go out.

Guilty when they cancel plans to go out because I am not at home yet.

Guilty to stay awake and online until late night.

Guilty to do what I think is right but they might think is wrong.

Guilty when I speak out actually hurt their feelings.

Guilty to say anything that mom dont want to hear.

Guilty for not concentrate on what I am suppose to do but still thinking should I shift out.

Guilty for myself because cant get what I want.

Guilty for thinking too much.

Guilty if I do so, more money is needed.

And I am helpless...

Just let it be and never speak out. 

But are they really feel ok with my existant in their place?

They seems alright but I still feel something wrong. 

The very uncomfortable feelings in me that only I understand.

The very paiseh kind of feelings on whatever I do.

I have my own daily use products to lessen the paisehness. 

I never come home late to make things easier.

I never ask for the house keys to create unwanted issue.

I never plan any night outing...well, because I dont have any.

But I can be an ass and make all these happen for my own good. Unfortunately I didnt.

I just care more on other than care more on myself. Always think for others is not a good thing after all. I have to sacrifise myself more to make others feel better.

the biggest dilemma here is not actually on me.

well, it still based on my decision but the outcome is on other party but not fully on me.

If I shift out, my mom will worry more and more money might needed.

If I stay, the paisehness just getting stronger and stronger eventhough they say nothing but I feel it.

The way they look at me sometimes just make me uncomfortable.

Their life style is totally different from me and I have to slightly adjust myself to make things easier.

But I still dont sleep as early as them, I dont wake up as early as them unless I have morning class. I prefer more veggie on each meal but they can survive one meal with improper veggie like bean curd. They took nap in the afternoon but I just stay in front of my laptop whole day without resting. They go for morning exercise as early as 6am but I just did some workout in my room and have proper diet. They still expect me to eat more than them but actually I eat less than them. They think I am shy because I seldom eat anything in the kitchen besides meal time but actually I am not hungry at all. They think they are always right on what they did but didnt realise time has changed. 

The list just go on and on...

Now think again, is it really a good choice to study in Singapore at the first place???

Before this, I want to come over to Singapore mainly is because of someone but also for my own future. But now, its all because of my own future and I cant look back anymore but move forward and hopefully everything will be better when I graduate.

Actually I dont want to talk about it anymore and let it be, no matter how uncomfortable I feel, I just do what I think is right over here. Because I care for my mom more than their feelings. As long as I stay here, mom will feel more relief and dont have to worry too much.

It is just one of those days when I have nothing much to do and somehow sitting in front of my laptop and start thinking...